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Friday, July 17, 2009

supposed to be

It's been over a year. Everything was supposed to be better.

By now, I am supposed to be 100 lbs less.
I am supposed to be skinny, and in good health.
I am supposed to be able to walk for longer than 30 seconds without any kind of pain or breathing issues.
I am supposed to be able to fit into a size ten, at the very most.
I am supposed to have at the very least $1000 in a savings account.
I am supposed to be in a job where I'm happy, and I can travel, or at the very least earn enough money to travel.
I am supposed to be writing every day, halfway finished my novel, or at least finally finished that screenplay I started twelve years ago.
I am supposed to be on my own - with the husband - in our own place away from my parents.
I am supposed to be playing sports that I used to, the way that I used to, with love.
I am supposed to know at least three songs by heart on the guitar.
I am supposed to be able to be on the dance floor for longer than one song.



By August I am supposed to be pregnant, with a happy husband.


supposed to be....

Instead, I'm STILL at the same weight.
I still can't walk for longer than 30 seconds without some kind of pain.
I still am in lousy health.
I still can't fit into a size ten.
I'm still at zero in my savings account.
I'm still at a job I can't stand, doing more work than I'm paid for.
I still haven't written my novel, or finished my screenplay.
I still live with my parents.
I still can't play sports.
I still can't play guitar.
I still can't be on the dance floor for longer than one song.


By August, I still won't be pregnant, and won't have a husband.


I think I'll have that nervous breakdown I'm scheduled for.




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, June 26, 2009

and as the world mourns....

It's one of those times when you realize how much you need the people you care about, and who care about you.

Michael Jackson's passing was, to say the least, a total and complete shock to most. But as was pointed out to me, he was never in the best of health, and rumor has it that he only ate once a day, consuming minimal calories in order to keep his weight down.

This week, the entertainment world lost three icons. And wives lost husbands, children lost parents, parents lost a child....it happens daily but we don't hear about the tragedy of it all because 99% of them aren't famous. It doesn't make their deaths any less important. And just because the world feels that entertainers belong to the public doesn't mean that they do. They still have families, friends and private lives.

I honestly hope that people respect that fact and allow those closest to mourn their own way, in their own places, without being under a microscope. For a much better tribute than I could ever produce, please go have a seat on the Couch and check out Vinny's amazing post about Michael.

This was passed on to me this morning, and rather than pass it on to all my women friends, and clutter up your inboxes, I decided to post it here, to also share it with those that visit.

To all the men in my life, this isn't to say that we don't appreciate you, and all you do for us. But sometimes, a girl just needs her sisters.



You may have seen this before, if so enjoy, if not, enjoy! How true it is. Each of you, for your own reasons are important to me and I appreciate and value your friendship and support.


A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marrriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter..

'Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them..'

'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women...your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

' What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life..

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end..

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other..



Y'all know who you are. I can't thank you enough for being my sisters.





Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

i fell to the dark side.....

I can hear the chorus already. YOU LIVE THERE.

Yes, my address is
666 Dark Side Lane,
Somewhere Across the Universe, Section 8
Planet Transexual 90210

But I am now on Twitter (OH yeah - THAT dark side).
Come find me, if you dare.





BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.






Ok, so look under angellz. There, I made it easy for ya.




PS - let me know who amongst you gets the address references. Tank you veddy much.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fifteen again....

First off, would like to say I LOVE YOU GUYS. Thanks for the wonderful comments on my last post. I shall take all advice.

Now.....for the reason I feel fifteen again. I was working this show last night, and was about five feet from the stage.



Jonathan Knight is the oldest member of that boy-band sensation known as New Kids on the Block. I adored them when I was younger. Jon was my favourite because he was the shy, quiet one with the undeniable presence, and a voice like an angel. He shied away from the spotlight, and it was later revealed that he suffered from panic attacks which is why he rarely did one-on-one interviews, both during the bands hey-day and afterwards.

When he came out of the closet, and revealed he was gay, everyone turned to me and said “I told you so.” But to me, it didn’t matter. Why should it? Even if he was straight, the odds of hooking up with him were so incredibly astronomical that it didn’t even bear thinking about. I just wanted him to be happy. When the cameras did capture him, even when smiling, there was a sadness behind his eyes.


I was never sure if he was actually going to go back on tour with the guys. I’d always hoped for at least a solo album from him, but it was never meant to be.

The last time they came through Toronto, I was working backstage, where all five members and their families were constantly walking right by me. But, security tends to be invisible to performers, and Jon didn’t even smile in my direction, although Danny, Donny and Joe did.

To be able to stand in the pit, and actually watch him onstage last night, knowing about his attacks, knowing the courage it must take for him to get up and perform every night, in front of thousands of people, it brought tears to my eyes. The other guys made sure to make him laugh, jostle him around, even causing him to miss a few steps in the tight choreography. They did their best to make him comfortable up there.

It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. And no matter how much people make fun of me, I am always proud to be a Blockhead.



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, June 19, 2009

GAHHHHHHHRRRRGGGHHH

Wow.

I am bored. I don't know why they have me here at work today. The phone has rang MAYBE ten times all day (it's now 3:30 est and I've been here since 8am). Production is closed down in the back. Both the managers are here, so WHY DO THEY NEED ME???? They're all about saving money these days - so for the hour & a half I've got left please send me home!



Onto something that is JUST as frustrating....I probably wouldn't mind being stuck here with no phones ringing if it wasn't for the fact that I .... CAN'T .... WRITE. Not a thing. I can't string one sentence together that has any artistic merit, or even erotic merit.

I have a notebook full of ideas, and about ten more in my head, but when it comes to translating that onto a screen, or the page - NOTHING comes out. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Complete emptiness. All the ideas in the world are useless if you can't follow them up. It's incredibly frustrating for me, because then I sit at home, and berate myself. "I should be writing, I should be creating, I should be getting this stuff down." So I sit in front of the keyboard and......


Yah, I got nuttin. I seriously just want to cry. It's hurting my brain to even type this out. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. And I'm sorry. To all of you, I am so sorry that all my posts seem to be nothing but negativity on top of negativity. I'd write about good things happening in my life if there WERE any. But right now it's just one frustration on top of another.

I know I'm not the only person going through things right now. Dana, love, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you during your time of agony with your back and knee and with your dad. And for all my darling friends in the blogosphere - I try to visit. I really do. I don't know why I don't get there. It's not like I don't have time. Ok, well, maybe I don't have a lot of it, but I do have time.

My brain seems to be shutting down, and turning my insides to mush, and it bothers the hell out of me. Scares me too. I seem to have problems comprehending the tiniest little things these days. And that is definately scary.

SIGH. Rant is over. Thank you for stopping by.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Happy Birthday Vinnie!!


To someone who's always been there for me.

To a man who has both my love and my respect.

To my friend, Vince, I wish you nothing but the best

this birthday and every day for the rest of your life.



(psst - I promise not to sing this year!)


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, May 15, 2009

random bored musings....

I'm at work on the Friday before a long weekend and the phone has rang MAYBE fifteen times since eight this morning, and most of the calls were for our accoutant.

My brain has atrophied into something resembling frozen vomit - at least that's the picture I get when I try to look inside. Nothing creative is coming out, which sucks because I'm always saying that if I had the day off I could get so much writing done. Well, this was the equivilant and I DIDN'T. I think it might simply have to do with the atmosphere around me. Half the company has an extra long weekend, because we're in a slow period. At this moment, there are a total of five people here. And two of them just walked out. LOL.

I've been surfing and checking out some blogs. One that I found and has me laughing is Why Mom Drinks Rum . I don't have kids, but that doesn't matter. She's a Canuck too which is a major bonus. Highly recommended reading. (Boy I'm so good at reviews I should make a living at this)

So I don't know how many of you are aware of the Tamil protests that are holding the streets -and citizens - of Toronto hostage. The Sri Lankin community is protesting the genocide occuring in their homeland and wants the Canadian government to send troops over there to stop the war. You know, the CIVIL war that's been going on for the last fifty years or so? Turns out that our fair city has the largest Tamil immigrant population in all of North America (or so they're saying). Last Sunday, they started a peaceful protest at our government buildings in Queens Park - SUNDAY cuz you know, that's when all the gov't guys go in for extra credit *roll eyes* - and somehow it managed to spill onto the highway. Like WTF? They blocked eight lanes of traffic going in either direction. They refused to move until someone from our government met with them and told them, in detail, what they were going to do to stop the war over there.

The police were on site, but refused to use tear gas. Why? Well, A - they wanted it to be peaceful and try and settle things without violence and B - what did those brave protesters do? They put all the WOMEN AND CHILDREN on the front lines. Oh yeah, and their elderly. All the able bodied men were behind the infirm and children. They blocked traffic for hours, stranding motorists in their vehicles, and not caring about the inconvenience caused to the rest of the people that live and work in this city. For the last little while they have blocked traffic, closed down streets and caused general chaos. I can sympathize with their cause, but there has to be a better way of getting your point across. No one feels any sympathy for them now - there's just anger and they've created more enemies.

The fact that they want our government to send our troops over there to stop this war is disgusting to me. Our government needs to start taking care of shit at home first. We have an increasing homeless population, we are in a major recession, and we have troops already in a country fighting a war we have no business being involved in. We have problems here at home that need solving. They want to stop the war so badly? A very smart man I know had an idea on how we can help that. All the able bodied men that fled here from there are trained in combat, we'll pay for weapons and training and THEY can go back and fight and die for their country. Why should our troops fight and die in a civil war that we have nothing to do with? They sign up to protect their own country. I'm tired of every country in the world making fun of our troops, but when it comes down to fighting, they want us to get involved.

FUCK YOU ALL. Y'all have military for a reason. Use them and leave our troops to us.

Sorry. This is a bit of a sore subject for me in case you couldn't tell. LOL. I'm not a very political person, and I usually try to stay away from posting stuff like this. Mainly because I don't like hate mail, and I only express my opinions around those with similar ones. I think someone - and I can't remember who - got me scared about expressing opinions like that because sometimes they get people hurt. So I generally avoid these topics online. But this one just fucking gets my blood boiling. Mainly because I know too many people who's lives constantly are disrupted by these damn protesters. Yes, they have the right to protest, but PEACEFULLY. The phrase "holding the city hostage" was batted around a lot, but it's too true. Once you start doing that, you lose all rights to protest. You do, however, have the right to a fair trial, because I think you should all be arrested. And the fact that they used children as their shields on the highway makes me sick. All I can say is they're a bunch of fucking cowards.


K - next topic before I scream. Let's talk IDOL. I didn't do much watching this season, because, well, it was on at the same time as The Biggest Loser and frankly, their contestants were much more interesting. However, I did love two on Idol this year. Allison, who, unfortunately, got the boot earlier than I thought she would, and of course Adam. Now, anyone who knows me isn't surprised that I was backing this superstar. Come on. He's gorgeous, talented, and completely theatrical and over the top. What's not to love?

I can appreciate that some of my friends didn't appreciate him as much as I do, and that's ok. It's what I love about IDOL. Differences of opinion are actually welcomed. Yes, minor kerfuffles break out, but hell, music and love are what make the world go round, and we've got an abundant amount of love amongst us to argue safely about music. :P I personally loved his version of Ring of Fire that he did (I think it was week 2). Absolutely brilliant in my opinion. But I tend to like things that veer away from the norm. Do I think Johnny would have enjoyed it? Actually, I do. Do I think his was better? No arguement there. I do. But anyone with a decent voice can stand up there and do a bad JC imitation. It takes someone with guts to take a classic and twist it. And Adam's got guts.

So while I didn't watch it all, I did see his highlights. I started out liking Danny Gokey, but he just proceeded to get on my nerves. I think the show overused his widow status. So the final comes down to Kris Allen - who's adorable in that aw-shucks-thank-you-m'am kind of way - and Adam Lambert (whom BeckEye calls Madame Glambert and it just fits), who's so over-the-top he's back at the bottom. Who's it gonna be America?

My apologies to not getting to and commenting on blogs as of late. I kind of have been distracted by stuff happening at home - as evidenced by my last couple of entries. But I'm trying to get better. I did see a councellor. SURPRISE - she said I need help. Ummmm - DUHHHHH. No shit honey chile. But the good news is that she said medication was not the answer for me. I'm thankful because I have a seriously addictive personality. I can just see that meds would be a bad idea from the get-go. So now I have to wait to see my family doctor, so he can give me the information for the groups that she wants me to check out. FUN FUN huh?

See, I wanted this entry to be pithy and witty and filled with funny little quips that would make you all laugh. But I just can't do it. I guess that stuff just doesn't come naturally to me.

One final and somber note, I'd like to send all my love out to my friend Anndi, who just lost her father today. To both her and her daughter, I would just like to say that they're both in my thoughts and prayers at this awful time.












Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.



With love and pride